I Haven’t Had My Coffee Yet

woman with a cup of coffeeIn the mornings at work I’ve noticed that sometimes, when someone does a particularly dumb something, they’ll often say, “I haven’t had my coffee yet” to excuse their blatant stupidity. I’m sure you too have observed this phenomenon. Phil will be changing the tank to the water cooler, slip and fall, and dump the whole thing on his crouch and say the old adage, “I haven’t had my coffee yet.” Maybe Bernice in accounting staples page two on the front of an expense report and the boss gets irritated, but then Bernice says, “Argh, I haven’t had my coffee yet!” and all is forgiven.

I have used this phrase a time or two to excuse my own stupidity. I’ve become somewhat intrigued by it. I have, however, encountered a flaw to the use of the phrase: it really only works in the morning hours. You can go ahead and get away with the phrase until maybe about 10am or so. After that, you might as well just own up to being a complete dimwit.

After around 10am you are without a phrase to excuse stupidity. Maybe you can say something like, “I’m hungry… Is it lunch time yet?”, but that doesn’t quite give you the free pass that, “I haven’t had my coffee yet.” affords you.

As the day roles along, you are more and more likely to be held responsible for your own ineptitude. Go ahead and try to use the “I haven’t had my coffee yet” adage after making a particularly inane blunder at around 3:30 in the afternoon. You’ll get stares. If you make a mistake in the afternoon, you’re pretty much without recourse. The best I’ve come up with is the straight up, “I’m a moron.” People seem to shrug their shoulders, nod their heads in the affirmative motion, and continue unfazed.

For whatever reason, “I haven’t had my coffee yet.” in the morning hours strikes a chord with most, and causes them to recall a time before their own morning cup of joe when they too were absolutely daft. Sympathy is freely doled out to the poor soul who hasn’t had his/her morning cup of coffee, and the witness to the stupidity displayed is in some cases meant to feel guilty for expecting anything of substance from the coffee-less wretch of a person. Listen carefully and you can hear Janice several cubicles down say under her breathe, “Holy shit, Tammy, let Justin have a cup of coffee before you make him quantify last weeks marketing optimization synergies!”

I know what you’re thinking… “quantify last week’s marketing optimization synergies” is a bullshit, made up, phrase; and to that I say, “Will you kindly get off my back? I haven’t had my coffee yet this morning!” Unless, of course, it’s afternoon when you’re reading this; in which case I say to you, simply, “I’m a moron.”