Have you ever been in the grocery store parking lot and watched as a customer parks a grocery cart next to their car, places the grocery bags into their car, and then proceeds to leave the cart a few feet from their car, say in the parking space right next to their vehicle?  Seeing people do this perturbs me a bit.  After putting my bags in my car I always try and place the cart in the cart return, but I’ve noticed at the grocery store I frequent the cart returns seem to be placed for the grocery workers convenience and not the convenience of the customers.  Conspiracy?  I think so, and I’m crying foul.

The store has two entrances and very close to each of these entrances are two cart returns. All the grocery workers have to do is walk across a two lane driveway and collect the carts. There are other cart returns scattered throughout the lot but these are a country mile from either entrance and are therefore hardly ever used. The locations of the cart returns create a “stranded cart” zone in the middle of the parking lot.

Makeshift cart return

Many grocers parked in this zone look around and realize that the nearest cart return is in Eritrea and decide to use vegetation “islands” in the parking lot to secure their empty carts.  These “islands” are just random curbed-off spots throughout the parking lot that have a few trees on them to beautify the otherwise barren, desolate expanse that is the grocery store parking lot.  After all, securing a cart to one of these curbed islands is better than leaving an empty cart in the middle of the lot.  It prevents carts from rolling away and hitting parked cars.

"Ugh...where is the cart return?"

I’ve been one of those grocery store shoppers that has unloaded the cart, strapped my child into her car seat, looked up and realized, “I don’t even see a cart return.”  Even still, as far as I can remember I haven’t just abandoned my cart or made use of the vegetation islands in the parking lot to secure my cart.  Out of obligation, I always walk the empty cart to the nearest cart return, which usually is the cart return located 15 paces from the entrance to the store.  I’ve now learned to 1st unload my cart of groceries, then return the cart with my daughter, and finally strap my young one up for the ride home.

Figure 1: my calculations

Montevideo, Uruguay

I’m no brain scientist, but I think cart returns should be in the middle region of the parking lot.  Such a design would be of benefit to both supermarket workers and the shoppers.  Shoppers wouldn’t have to walk to practically the entrance of the store to return a cart and workers wouldn’t have to collect the abandon carts off the “vegetation islands” in the middle of the lot.  Such a change would make roses grow straighter and fuller and, by my calculations (see figure 1), would decrease global warming by 1º F every April 22nd in Montevideo, Uruguay (I know right now your telling yourself, “He didn’t just go there.” and I’m saying, “Oh, yes I DID just go there.”)

My daughter has one of the most generous grandmothers.  She has really been a big help to my wife and me when we first made the move to Washington and she continues to help in any way she can.  Many times when we’re all traveling together on an outing or “eating out” she’ll offer to pay, and she will sincerely have the desire to pay when she makes the offer, but she has an uncanny ability to offer to pay and then “accidentally” find herself unable to pay.  She has been able to pull off this maneuver so frequently and in so many different ways that our response has become one of amusement and fascination.  I’m now of the mind that she is some sort of seasoned veteran of this very unique art form; a Jedi master of the “I’ll pay, oh I can’t pay!” slight of hand.  Listed below are a few of the techniques she has mastered.

1. The “I forgot my wallet at home” technique

"Oh silly me, I've forgotten my wallet at home!"

Not much to this one.  We’re at a restaurant and she reaches for the bill while the words, “I’ll get this one.” escape her lips.  She could be totally sincere and I’ll still pull out my wallet, because I know her to be a master of the “I forgot my wallet at home” double take.  Her generosity is legendary, but on this occasion it cannot manifest itself monetarily.  “Next time I’ll get it, Chris.  You remind me.”  Roger that, master…Jedi master…and poof I’ve forgotten what we we’re talking about.

2. The “I’ll pay with my Starbucks card, oh no!…It’s empty” technique

Okay, so we’re all in a Starbucks on a cold wet day and our little 3-year-old is asking grandma very sweetly, “chocolate milk please, gwanma.” (still working on those pesky R’s)  Grandma would like to treat us all to a tasty Starbucks beverage using her Starbucks card.  We are putty in her hands and fall hook, line and sinker.  The cashier takes her card and low and behold the card has 36 cents left on it.  At this point both Grandma and I reach for our wallets.  Guess where Grandma’s wallet is? (Hint: refer to technique 1)  “I’ll pick this one up, Grandma.”, thinking to myself, “She’s a genius and I fell right into that one.”

3. The “I have my credit card but I don’t have my ID” technique

This one’s kind of interesting.  We’re sitting in a drive-thru and Grandma offers to pay.  She passes up a credit card she has pulled out of either her pocket or her mythical wallet.  I don’t see how this could possibly go south.  For some reason I turn the card over and notice that the signature reads, “See ID”.

“See ID?”, I turn back and ask with a puzzled look on my face. She explains that She read or saw on TV somewhere that signing a credit card with this is safer for the card holder.  She proceeds to do the fake pat of her pockets to appear to be looking for her ID.  Well played, Grandma.  Well played.

4. The “I gave up spending money for lent” technique

This past year Grandmother decided to give up spending money for lent and so, for 40+ days, she commenced to eat random packages of food she found deep in her freezer and canned goods covered with dust found in the dark recesses of her pantry.  She also welcomed the generosity of her friends and family on occasion, and we were happy to take her out for a few meals during her endeavor to refrain from spending in the days leading up to Easter.

She is one of a kind; a marvel to behold really, and she has much to teach us.  I actually look forward to seeing what new and unique methods of evasion she has in store for us in the coming days and months.  The funny thing is she herself has no idea what her next new technique will be until we happen to be in the midst of the situation.  It’s as if she has some sort of mystical “force” flowing through her.

Note: This piece was written with love, respect and admiration for…and permission from my mother-in-law, who in all seriousness is quite generous and I’ll frown in the general direction of anyone who says otherwise.

I was driving the other day and happened to witness a traffic enigma of sorts. I’ve only been a part of one of these puzzles once in all my years of driving and this particular instance was only my second time to actually witness the event; which is not to say that these phenomena happen infrequently. I may just not have been paying attention or I might not live in the right area of town. Whatever the reason is, I’ve only seen two.

Okay, with that said, I’m going to try and describe what this enigma entails. The driving circumstances need to be just right. Timing is critical. The set up involves at least two “victims of oblivity” being in the right place at the right time. I guess I’m being a bit cruel here calling two drivers “victims of oblivity” (I’m going to use the acronym VO from here on out. The acronym VOO is already taken and means something totally different.), but I’m at a loss for a term that describes a person that drives into the middle of an intersection when there is nowhere to go, and in so doing completely blocks the intersection. Perhaps it’s an innocent mistake.  Maybe these VOs are just ignorant to their surroundings at an inopportune moment in time (I’ve actually been one of these guys once or twice I’m ashamed to say.).  Maybe they’re running 5 minutes behind and think that it will be better for them to wait in the middle of traffic than at the appropriate stopping position.  Whatever the case, when these VOs do what they do, frustration erupts within surrounding vehicles.  Eventually a light turns green, traffic starts moving, and gradually the congested intersection clears up.  That is, unless there exists a second VO obstructing another nearby intersection.

The phenomena occurs when two VOs do their thing simultaneously, on the same stretch of road, but going the opposite direction whereby completely stopping traffic flow (See figure 1).

Figure 1

The event often happens at an interstate overpass (or underpass) where there exists two left turn lanes, side-by-side.  There are two rows of cars, one going one way, one going the other.  Both rows of cars are at an impasse because the lead car of both rows of traffic wants to turn left but cannot because a car has driven into the intersection and has blocked all traffic turning left.  The lights may change from red to green and back to red again and the vehicles remain gridlocked.  I believe the only solution to the mess is for one or more drivers to forfeit their desire to turn left and make a lane change to the right, whereby allowing one of the VOs in the middle of an intersection to travel beyond the intersection and free up space for another vehicle to make a successful left hand turn.  Once this is accomplished, the flow of traffic can slowly begin to move again and the phenomena evaporates into ordinary, boring, free-flowing traffic.

The one time I was a part of one of these I remember being quite frustrated to the point of pulling my hair out.  This last time I merely witnessed the phenomena, but was not an active member.  Seeing the mess in front of me was a somewhat enjoyable experience; like finding a four leaf clover, seeing a rainbow, or achieving a “tetris” in the classic computer game, Tetris (completing four rows at once).  The phenomena I’m witnessing is a man-made rarity, perhaps something to be marveled.  A traffic knot that will hold traffic in place until “loosened” by removing one or more vehicles.

Man-Made Marvels

In the time since I’ve seen this rare occurrence I’ve noticed other intersections such as the one below that appear to be designed to avoid the dreaded traffic knot of which I describe.  One direction of traffic still has to make a left turn through oncoming traffic, but the other direction of traffic averts the hassle and is provided a right hand turn option that loops around and gets them going in the desired direction.

Traffic Knot Evasion

The next time I find myself in one of these “Traffic Knot Enigmas” (What do you call these anyway?), I’d like to think that I’d consider it a rare privilege to be a part of such an event…that is, if I’m not in any great rush to get anywhere.  If that not be the case, I’ll probably resort to pulling my hair out in frustration.  Has anyone else been in or seen one of these things?

"Yeah, I'm pretty successful." - Doug Laser

I had a conversation with a friend of mine several months ago about the significance of a person’s name and whether it has any bearing on how successful that person will be in life.  We came to the conclusion that if you want to become an important person like a President, Astronaut, or Marine Psychologist; you’d better have the name for it.

I think one of the coolest names to have is Doug Laser.  I mean if your name was Doug Laser (doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl), you pretty much are going to succeed in life.  You probably will become a secret agent, a doctor, or a CEO of a multinational corporation.  Basically, if you’re Doug Laser you’re not going to be homeless.

Names can make or break a person.  Some names are just plain better than others.  If you have a dumpy, homeless name (like maybe Dumpy Homeless for instance), then you might just wind up on the street, while other names just plain “fit in” with the social and economical elite.  Take for instance Thurston Howell III from Gilligan’s Island.  He’s got a few things going for him here.  For one, his first name is flippin’ Thurston.  Typing it out now conjures up images of elegance.  Images like fancy people in gowns and top hats hobnobbing about what the queen was wearing Tuesday last.  You can bet your bottom dollar Thurston doesn’t work at 7-eleven.  The second thing ole Thurston has is that he has that cool ‘III’ at the end of his name, as if to tell the world I have a name that is so great that we just couldn’t let it die when ‘I’ or ‘II’ died; “Take notice…I am Thurston Howell, the success lives on!”  And the world collectively replies, “Oh yeah, no doubt about it…you’re a success.  Your name is Thurston flippin’ Howell III.”

Continuing with our Gilligan’s Island analysis, lets consider the name Gilligan.  Now Gilligan I can see working at a 7-eleven and if Bob Denver‘s goofy character had had the name Thurston and “the millionaire” had had the name Gilligan the show just would have confused the audience and people would have change the channel to My Three Sons.

I’ve compiled a chart to illustrate what I’m getting at and I’m sure there have been countless studies arriving at the same conclusion I have:  Reginald trumps Turd any day of the week.

Last names obviously also play a factor.  Rockefeller, Trump, Checkmate, Goldbarman, Ivagottalot…all of these last names are going to give the bearer a bit of an edge over individuals with last names like Rockbottom, Rumpittidump, and Garbage.

"Hi there...oh, you only have two names? What's that like?" - Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio

"Boobs!" - Charles Nelson Reilly

People who are referred to by three names are also a notch up from their two-name peers.  Success stories like Sarah Jessica Parker, Malcolm Jamal Warner, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Charles Nelson Reilly are all great examples of this phenomenon.  Reilly is a Tony-Winning actor.

Then there are names like Doug Laser, which are just plain cool.  Jet Masterson, Sonic Bladestream, Flint Crosshair…all of these fit the mold.  People with the cool names can part the Red Sea and maneuver as if they have an escalator to success.  Vin Diesel, Diablo Cody, Boz Scaggs and Snake Plissken come to mind.  Have you ever met a Zenith Champion before?  I haven’t either but I imagine he‘d look something like this:

Zenith Champion?

As with all things there are exceptions to the rule.  Flopsy Clownbiscuit might be an extremely successful name in say, the circus.  Tapsy Twinkletoes might excel on Broadway.  But in the mainstream hussle and bussle, Fortune 500, cubicle, sit at your desk facing a computer world, Tapsy and Flopsy might have a bit of a challenge fitting the mold.