A few days ago I decided to get some coffee at Starbucks on my way to work.  As I was waiting for my coffee two guys, maybe in their mid-twenties, came in and got in line to place their orders.  The barista making the coffees greeted the two.

“Welcome to Starbucks, How are you this morning?”

“Living the dream.”, replied one of the young men.

A few moments passed by and then the dream liver asked the Barista, “Did you know that if you activate a new Starbucks card you may be eligible for a free drink?”  He referred to the small flyer posted on the counter next to the espresso machine.

I may not have the deal right, but I just know that he was referring to the flyer because he read the thing almost verbatim.

“I did know that actually.” was the barista’s reply.

Silence followed.  The dream liver I suppose was scheming a way to make this “conversation to nowhere” keep going.

The next thing he did was point out the pieces of art hanging behind the barista saying, “Those pieces of art are nice did you make those?”

At this I wanted to take my shoe off and throw it in his face, but before I could do that the barista replied.

She glanced over her shoulder and stated the following, “Yes, I did.  I went out early in the morning and started taking pictures of the poppy fields.  I blah, blah, blah… then I had to be taken to the hospital blah blah blah blah… then I went back into the poppy fields. Blah, blah then I came to work.”  Suffice it to say she yammered about this fictional photo shoot expedition for far too long.  I filled in a lot of what she said with “blahs” for two reasons; number one being I wanted to spare you, the reader, from the blubbering.

Why isn't the price listed on this thing!?

The second reason is because I sort of strained myself trying not to listen and, as a result, only caught pieces of the story being told.  The two of them seemed to be grinning from ear to ear at this exchange and the air around the two beamed of gaiety and frivolity.  There were a few moments there where I don’t think the two of them knew that there were other people around bearing witness to their flirt sandwich.  I tried to look away.  My eyes scanned the room for a distraction, “Oh look, Starbucks is selling a French press.  Where is the price of the French press?  The price doesn’t seem to be marked!”  Looking away was folly.  I was a captive audience to what was playing out before me.

Finally my drink was ready and the barista broke off the eye lock she had developed with Mr. “Dream Liver” long enough to say, “Sorry for the wait.”

I left the Starbucks wondering if the barista was really engaged in that exchange or if she had merely been fulfilling her obligation, as an employee of Starbucks, to banter with the customers as they come in.  Walking out the door my thoughts turned to the clothes I was wearing.  I sort of had the urge to go home and change.  I felt like I had plumpy chunks of someone else’s flirt vomit all over the front of my shirt.

I think I'd like to change

My daughter has one of the most generous grandmothers.  She has really been a big help to my wife and me when we first made the move to Washington and she continues to help in any way she can.  Many times when we’re all traveling together on an outing or “eating out” she’ll offer to pay, and she will sincerely have the desire to pay when she makes the offer, but she has an uncanny ability to offer to pay and then “accidentally” find herself unable to pay.  She has been able to pull off this maneuver so frequently and in so many different ways that our response has become one of amusement and fascination.  I’m now of the mind that she is some sort of seasoned veteran of this very unique art form; a Jedi master of the “I’ll pay, oh I can’t pay!” slight of hand.  Listed below are a few of the techniques she has mastered.

1. The “I forgot my wallet at home” technique

"Oh silly me, I've forgotten my wallet at home!"

Not much to this one.  We’re at a restaurant and she reaches for the bill while the words, “I’ll get this one.” escape her lips.  She could be totally sincere and I’ll still pull out my wallet, because I know her to be a master of the “I forgot my wallet at home” double take.  Her generosity is legendary, but on this occasion it cannot manifest itself monetarily.  “Next time I’ll get it, Chris.  You remind me.”  Roger that, master…Jedi master…and poof I’ve forgotten what we we’re talking about.

2. The “I’ll pay with my Starbucks card, oh no!…It’s empty” technique

Okay, so we’re all in a Starbucks on a cold wet day and our little 3-year-old is asking grandma very sweetly, “chocolate milk please, gwanma.” (still working on those pesky R’s)  Grandma would like to treat us all to a tasty Starbucks beverage using her Starbucks card.  We are putty in her hands and fall hook, line and sinker.  The cashier takes her card and low and behold the card has 36 cents left on it.  At this point both Grandma and I reach for our wallets.  Guess where Grandma’s wallet is? (Hint: refer to technique 1)  “I’ll pick this one up, Grandma.”, thinking to myself, “She’s a genius and I fell right into that one.”

3. The “I have my credit card but I don’t have my ID” technique

This one’s kind of interesting.  We’re sitting in a drive-thru and Grandma offers to pay.  She passes up a credit card she has pulled out of either her pocket or her mythical wallet.  I don’t see how this could possibly go south.  For some reason I turn the card over and notice that the signature reads, “See ID”.

“See ID?”, I turn back and ask with a puzzled look on my face. She explains that She read or saw on TV somewhere that signing a credit card with this is safer for the card holder.  She proceeds to do the fake pat of her pockets to appear to be looking for her ID.  Well played, Grandma.  Well played.

4. The “I gave up spending money for lent” technique

This past year Grandmother decided to give up spending money for lent and so, for 40+ days, she commenced to eat random packages of food she found deep in her freezer and canned goods covered with dust found in the dark recesses of her pantry.  She also welcomed the generosity of her friends and family on occasion, and we were happy to take her out for a few meals during her endeavor to refrain from spending in the days leading up to Easter.

She is one of a kind; a marvel to behold really, and she has much to teach us.  I actually look forward to seeing what new and unique methods of evasion she has in store for us in the coming days and months.  The funny thing is she herself has no idea what her next new technique will be until we happen to be in the midst of the situation.  It’s as if she has some sort of mystical “force” flowing through her.

Note: This piece was written with love, respect and admiration for…and permission from my mother-in-law, who in all seriousness is quite generous and I’ll frown in the general direction of anyone who says otherwise.

Bret Micheals had a bit of trouble exiting the stage at the Tony Awards Sunday night…

body-laptop interface

Doh! This is an invention that I total missed out on inventing: The Body-Laptop Interface.

Finally…the third installment!

SNL spoofs The Lawrence Welk Show…

Here’s the opener for last night’s SNL: Thursday Update.

The opener for the October 16th SNL Thursday report:

For those that missed it, here’s last week’s presidential debate…the SNL version…