A few days ago I decided to get some coffee at Starbucks on my way to work.  As I was waiting for my coffee two guys, maybe in their mid-twenties, came in and got in line to place their orders.  The barista making the coffees greeted the two.

“Welcome to Starbucks, How are you this morning?”

“Living the dream.”, replied one of the young men.

A few moments passed by and then the dream liver asked the Barista, “Did you know that if you activate a new Starbucks card you may be eligible for a free drink?”  He referred to the small flyer posted on the counter next to the espresso machine.

I may not have the deal right, but I just know that he was referring to the flyer because he read the thing almost verbatim.

“I did know that actually.” was the barista’s reply.

Silence followed.  The dream liver I suppose was scheming a way to make this “conversation to nowhere” keep going.

The next thing he did was point out the pieces of art hanging behind the barista saying, “Those pieces of art are nice did you make those?”

At this I wanted to take my shoe off and throw it in his face, but before I could do that the barista replied.

She glanced over her shoulder and stated the following, “Yes, I did.  I went out early in the morning and started taking pictures of the poppy fields.  I blah, blah, blah… then I had to be taken to the hospital blah blah blah blah… then I went back into the poppy fields. Blah, blah then I came to work.”  Suffice it to say she yammered about this fictional photo shoot expedition for far too long.  I filled in a lot of what she said with “blahs” for two reasons; number one being I wanted to spare you, the reader, from the blubbering.

Why isn't the price listed on this thing!?

The second reason is because I sort of strained myself trying not to listen and, as a result, only caught pieces of the story being told.  The two of them seemed to be grinning from ear to ear at this exchange and the air around the two beamed of gaiety and frivolity.  There were a few moments there where I don’t think the two of them knew that there were other people around bearing witness to their flirt sandwich.  I tried to look away.  My eyes scanned the room for a distraction, “Oh look, Starbucks is selling a French press.  Where is the price of the French press?  The price doesn’t seem to be marked!”  Looking away was folly.  I was a captive audience to what was playing out before me.

Finally my drink was ready and the barista broke off the eye lock she had developed with Mr. “Dream Liver” long enough to say, “Sorry for the wait.”

I left the Starbucks wondering if the barista was really engaged in that exchange or if she had merely been fulfilling her obligation, as an employee of Starbucks, to banter with the customers as they come in.  Walking out the door my thoughts turned to the clothes I was wearing.  I sort of had the urge to go home and change.  I felt like I had plumpy chunks of someone else’s flirt vomit all over the front of my shirt.

I think I'd like to change

Have you ever been in the grocery store parking lot and watched as a customer parks a grocery cart next to their car, places the grocery bags into their car, and then proceeds to leave the cart a few feet from their car, say in the parking space right next to their vehicle?  Seeing people do this perturbs me a bit.  After putting my bags in my car I always try and place the cart in the cart return, but I’ve noticed at the grocery store I frequent the cart returns seem to be placed for the grocery workers convenience and not the convenience of the customers.  Conspiracy?  I think so, and I’m crying foul.

The store has two entrances and very close to each of these entrances are two cart returns. All the grocery workers have to do is walk across a two lane driveway and collect the carts. There are other cart returns scattered throughout the lot but these are a country mile from either entrance and are therefore hardly ever used. The locations of the cart returns create a “stranded cart” zone in the middle of the parking lot.

Makeshift cart return

Many grocers parked in this zone look around and realize that the nearest cart return is in Eritrea and decide to use vegetation “islands” in the parking lot to secure their empty carts.  These “islands” are just random curbed-off spots throughout the parking lot that have a few trees on them to beautify the otherwise barren, desolate expanse that is the grocery store parking lot.  After all, securing a cart to one of these curbed islands is better than leaving an empty cart in the middle of the lot.  It prevents carts from rolling away and hitting parked cars.

"Ugh...where is the cart return?"

I’ve been one of those grocery store shoppers that has unloaded the cart, strapped my child into her car seat, looked up and realized, “I don’t even see a cart return.”  Even still, as far as I can remember I haven’t just abandoned my cart or made use of the vegetation islands in the parking lot to secure my cart.  Out of obligation, I always walk the empty cart to the nearest cart return, which usually is the cart return located 15 paces from the entrance to the store.  I’ve now learned to 1st unload my cart of groceries, then return the cart with my daughter, and finally strap my young one up for the ride home.

Figure 1: my calculations

Montevideo, Uruguay

I’m no brain scientist, but I think cart returns should be in the middle region of the parking lot.  Such a design would be of benefit to both supermarket workers and the shoppers.  Shoppers wouldn’t have to walk to practically the entrance of the store to return a cart and workers wouldn’t have to collect the abandon carts off the “vegetation islands” in the middle of the lot.  Such a change would make roses grow straighter and fuller and, by my calculations (see figure 1), would decrease global warming by 1º F every April 22nd in Montevideo, Uruguay (I know right now your telling yourself, “He didn’t just go there.” and I’m saying, “Oh, yes I DID just go there.”)

Often a Bad Decision: Driving and Eating

My wife and I recently took a weekend road trip to Seattle, WA. We were in a bit of a rush to get down there to see a play so we decided to go through a drive through and eat our meal on the road. Since I was driving and because it was raining that day I joked with my wife that I was going to order the “Neat and Tidy” burger and just see what they gave me. Pulling up to the drive-through speaker I tried to select the neatest, tidiest burger I could find…I chose the Guacamole Bacon Burger. My reasoning was that guacamole has a thicker viscosity than mustard, ketchup or Thousand Island dressing. As we left the Carl’s Jr. I was feeling pretty good about my decision.

Upon closer inspection of the Guacamole Bacon Burger, I could tell I had made a fatal error in judgment. There seemed to be a secret second sauce that slipped my notice when I was ordering. The extra sauce might have been Thousand Island dressing or a mystery mayonnaise. Either way the enigmatic sauce totally negated my viscosity calculations and in short, completely messified my “Neat and Tidy”.

The "Neat and Tidy" Burger?...What was I thinking?!

As I turned onto the rain-laden interstate that looked something like this, I came to the conclusion that I could not safely ingest the meal I had just purchased. My wife ended up feeding me the giant mess of a burger as I drove, but this got me thinking; what really is the neatest and tidiest burger you can find? and are burgers the neatest of foods for driving down the interstate, or is there something even more fit for the task?

Burger Analysis

As far as burgers go, I’m thinking the McDonald’s cheeseburger is the neatest, tidiest burger to eat while driving down the interstate. The cheeseburger is slightly tidier than the hamburger equivalent because the cheese in the McCheeseburger acts as a mortar that holds the burger structure together.  The Burger King counterpart is “a brick” of a sandwich and fares well during interstate travel as well.  The downside to the Burger King cheeseburger is that you’ll probably end up with a lap full of sesame seeds.  I’ve found the Wendy’s burgers to be greasier than the McDonald’s and Burger King burgers.  The Wendy’s burger patties are also square and thus present an extra element of awkwardness while driving down the road.

McDonald's Cheeseburger	Burger King Cheeseburger
Mouthwatering: Cringe	Portability: You betcha!

A new trend among fast food chains is the tiny burgers.  Burger King and Jack in the Box both have tiny burger offerings that would probably be good choices for in-the-car meals.  Burger’s with lettuce and tomatoes provide more of a challenge.  And finally, the burgers that are excessively large, have lettuce and tomatoes and have multiple sauces dripping out of them (i.e. the Guacamole Bacon Burger) I have determined to be worst travel burgers.

Beyond Burger Analysis

Are burgers the best alternative when it comes to travel food? Applying a little research (just sitting in my chair thinking), I’ve come to the conclusion that a plain cake doughnut hole is the the neatest and tidiest food to eat while driving down the interstate.  I’ve compiled a chart to illustrate which foods are good choices for interstate travel and which choices are “invitations to disaster”.

Note that once you get into foods that require utensils, there is a significant and sudden increase in the amount of danger you have placed yourself (and those driving around you) in.  Also notice that at that point it doesn’t really matter whether you are driving and automatic or a standard; your middle name is “Danger”.  I have deemed soups to be the most dangerous of all foods to eat while driving.  Although, thinking it through now, I suppose if you got one of those “Soup at Hand” cups and eliminated the need for a spoon, soup might be a viable option.

Not my Nemesis?

So, I’m a few years past 30 and I met my nemesis the other day. I always thought it would be a machine-gun-toting dragon or a robot with a handlebar mustache and monocle. But no, my nemesis, as it turns out, is a recipe for butternut squash Ravioli found in Good Housekeeping (March 2009). Looking back on it, the dinner should have turned out fine. I’m looking down at the recipe and I’m seeing phrases like “Cheater’s guide to Ravioli”, “Active time: 30 minutes”, and “cut the prep time by more than an hour”. Hmm…I’m actually thinking about getting up and trying it again.

The Recipe

In one regard the Ravioli experiment of ’09 was a success…we ate it and didn’t go for takeout afterward. Other than that the Ravioli was a disastrous debacle. I started to get slightly nervous when the recipe told me to separate an egg white. I know, I know…it’s easy and I didn’t have too much trouble (I got it on the second egg).  I really started to sweat it when the recipe called for a paint brush.  I thought to myself, “Well crap, that’s the end of that recipe.  I don’t have a paintbrush in my kitchen drawers.”  About that time my wife came in and asked how it was going.  I informed her of my dilemma.  Two minutes later my wife had produced a clean, brand-new paintbrush that was just the right size.  Recipe back on.

This next part was easy.  I placed the Ravioli stuffing in the center of a wonton noodle square, painted egg white along the edges and then placed another wonton square on top.  Bam! homemade Ravioli!  I placed the finished Ravioli squares on a baking sheet to dry for 30 mins.  A few of the wonton squares split open slightly due to excessive stuffing, but I was thinking, all-in-all, things are going pretty well.  I waited for the Raviolis to dry.

The next part got pretty dicey.  I began boiling some water for the noodles.  Once the water was boiling I started scrapping Ravioli’s off of the baking sheets and became frustrated by the fact that some of the Ravioli’s had stuck to the pan and were coming apart upon scrape off.  Argh! but oh well…time for the next bit of the recipe: browning butter.

Note to self: recipes with words like “meanwhile” denote recipes of some advancement.  While the Ravioli was boiling I started browning butter and slicing sage to place in the buttery mixture.  Once the butter was browned and ready, I began to remove the Ravioli from the boiling water one at a time, draining each one and then placing the Raviolis in the butter mixture to coat them with delicious buttery sage sauce.

Everything sort of disintegrated to oblivion when I tried to transfer the noodles out of the boiling water.  Many of the Raviolis had fallen apart and had lost their stuffing in the water.  In addition, I didn’t really have a good tool for getting the Ravioli out of the water and burnt my hand a time or two.  Also, I hadn’t made enough of the butter mixture to accommodate my many Ravioli pieces.  Consequently, several of the Raviolis we ate didn’t have the proper nummy taste I was hoping for.  When all of the Ravioli and Ravioli pieces had been transferred to our plates we each had an unappetizing pile of limp wonton noodle slop.

Eating through the concoction I had just made, there were moments where I could taste potential, but for the most part it wasn’t all that great and the rest of the family agreed.  In regards to my cooking endeavors, I feel like I took too many steps forward and am now thinking about taking a few steps back.  I foresee peanut butter sandwiches, warmed up chicken nuggets and hot dogs in my near future.  Maybe at some point I’ll take on this adversary again, but for now I’m going to retreat to safer terrain.  Hitting a new culinary low, I wrote a limerick to commemorate my butternut squash Ravioli disaster.

Spider Roll

I’ve moved up to Washington from Texas and have been here for a few months now. Having left the land of Bar-B-Que I’ve developed a bit of a taste for sushi.  I’m certainly not hardcore by any means…I haven’t quite worked my way up to eating all the raw stuff yet, but I have developed a taste for more than the standard “beginners” sushi.So far I enjoy the California Rolls (I’m guessing these are the “Zinfandel” of the sushi world), the Bellingham Rolls (similar to California Rolls but have cream cheese in them), and the Halibut Tempura Roll.  I’ve also enjoyed the Spider Roll which is a sushi roll that has an entire soft shell crab stuffed inside of it.

Edamame

edamame

Here’s a brief little tidbit nobody thought to mention to me: when eating edamame, just eat the bean and not the entire pod.  Edamame is a dish of boiled soybeans (that are still in the pods) that are often salted and served at sushi restaurants as an appetizer.  The way you eat these (and maybe I’m the only blockhead that didn’t know this) is to place the pod in your mouth and work the beans out of the pod with your teeth while you slide the pod out of your mouth.  When I first tried edamame I ate the whole thing.  I felt a bit like Gerald Ford eating Tamales.  I got stares and laughs from people.

Going to China and Back

tobi-tama: flying fish eggs with a quail egg on top

If Bellingham, WA were analogous to the safest of realms in the world of sushi (California Rolls and Bellingham Rolls) and Seattle, WA is a bit more adventurous (Spider Rolls), then I would venture to guess that tobi-tama might be as far out there as China, and that’s where I went one evening.

Tobi-tama are tiny, bright orange fish eggs wrapped in nori (seaweed paper) and topped with a raw quail egg.  My wife and I have a friend who just loves these things so I decided to give it a go, however I didn’t want to go “whole hog” just yet so I decided I’d play it safe and just order the quail eggs.  Apparently ordering just the quail eggs is a bit like ordering ketchup without the fries.  Within a few minutes the waitress came back to our table and asked if I wanted the quail eggs on something because they usually come on something.  At this point I was all in…I ordered the flying fish eggs with a quail egg on top.

I was delivered two of the tobi-tama rolls and did pretty well with the first one.  I bit down into the tiny, crunchy fish eggs and it wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t all that great either.  My real hang up was trying to get the quail egg down.  The quail egg was just like you might expect, slimy in texture, not really chewable and, in my opinion, not much on taste either.  Two bites and with a minimal gag reflex I had succeeded in eating my first flying fish egg with a quail egg on top.  Happy to be done with one of the tobi-tama and feeling like I had accomplished a major feat, I looked down at the second one and moved in.  I had a bit of trouble handling the second one.  Picking the thing up with my chop sticks the quail egg fell off the top.  I then proceeded to try and pick up a raw quail egg with chopsticks.  After a good bit of struggle I got the thing back on, and ate the second tobi-tama.

Since that evening, I’ve returned to what I like, but have ventured toward a couple of the raw varieties of sushi such as nama-shake (salmon) and tuna rolls.  I may try the tobi-tama again, but it won’t be for quite awhile.

Gerald Ford Eating a Tamale with the Husk

Starbucks

If you go into a Starbucks on November 4th and tell them you voted, they’ll give you a free cup of coffee.  There are several other companies that are giving away free stuff on November 4th for people that vote.  Check it out here.

I’ve just recently made the move to Mount Vernon, WA from Waco Texas and have noticed that the grocery store of choice up in these parts is Haggen. Back in Waco the store of choice was HEB. I’m going to be exploring the similarities and differences of these two stores and make a determination as to which one I feel is the better of the two…or perhaps just stump myself in the process.

Self Check-Out

HEB – Yes : Haggen – Yes

I’m not a big fan of the self check-out aisle I guess because all the work is transferred from the store employee to the customer.

I also am a little distraught when it comes to the line at the self check-out register. My experiences have been that there are usually four self check-out posts clumped together in a somewhat open area and the customers of the store kind of congregate at an area between all four of them, making it a little confusing as to who’s waiting for which post. Is the person in front of the blob of people (is there a front?) waiting for a particular check-out post? Is he/she waiting for the first check-out post that opens up? Is “check-out post” even the correct term to use for one of the stations where you purchase your goods? For me there’s just too much ambiguity involved with self check-out and I generally avoid them. That having been said, both HEB and Haggen provide a self check-out area.

Children’s Area

HEB – No : Haggen – Yes

Here’s a pretty nice perk that Haggen offers that I have never seen in an HEB: a children’s play area. The children’s play area is a place for parents of young children to drop off their kids while they do the shopping.  The area is just an enclosed room with toys and games and an adult to supervise. Diaper changes are not part of the deal, so if a diaper needs changing you will be called over the store intercom to come intervene.  The children’s area is a free service and allows for the parent to shop without the hassle of keeping track of what their child is getting into.

Eating Area

HEB – Yes : Haggen – Yes

Both stores offer in-store dining, however I would say Haggen offers this to a larger degree with a wider range of food selection and a larger designated seating area than I remember at any HEB that I visited.  The HEB dining I remember consisted of Chinese food, whereas Haggen offers Chinese, deli sandwiches, meatloaf, twice-baked potatoes, quiche and more.

An Abundance of Registers

HEB – Yes : Haggen – No

Of all the Haggen’s I’ve been to, none of them had as many registers as HEB had back in Texas.  While both stores have express checkout lanes for people with 10-20 items, HEB simply has more lanes at the front.  Both stores can certainly get cluttered at the front, but it seems to me like HEB has the edge.

Of course the operative key is how many lanes are open at the front.  For Haggen there are usually between 1-2 lanes open.  At HEB there were typically 4-5.

Starbucks

HEB – Yes : Haggen – Yes

The Haggen I shop at here in Washington has a Starbucks built in.  The HEB I shopped at in Waco didn’t have a Starbucks but I believe there are HEB’s that do in fact have a Starbucks built into the store.  This is quite nice for a one-stop shopping excursion.

Membership Card

HEB – Yes: Haggen – Yes

Both stores offer a membership card program but seem to be very different from each other.  HEB’s rewards program is a points system where you earn points for each item you purchase at the store.  At certain times in the year a customer’s points are tallied and, depending on how many points they earned, the customer receives a certain amount of HEB dollars that they are free to spend just like regular currency at any participating HEB store.

Haggen’s membership program offers a variety of rewards, but the most striking benefit to being a part of the Haggen C.A.R.D. program is that the customer with a Haggen card gets to purchase a wide variety of items at a discounted price…often a significantly discounted price.

Inclusion in both the HEB and Haggen membership programs are free.

Conclusion

So in conclusion, hmm…I guess I don’t really like grocery shopping all that much.  I do like food but as far as where I get it, I suppose it just doesn’t matter a whole lot to me.  As long as the price is relatively reasonable, the store is clean, and the food items are easy enough to find (Both HEB and Haggen are all of these.) I’m more or less a happy shopper.

For all of you who really like potato chips, I’d recommend trying the Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion chips made by Tim’s. My chip of choice yesterday afternoon. If you get the chance, try a bag.